You are not broken (Phan)
by silencelikeawhisper
Summary: Unlike most of the boys Dan is not a big fan of sex, he even thinks he might be asexual. He's okay with this fact until he meets Phil, the most perfect boy of all he's ever known. Dan falls in love with Phil but he is afraid Phil will not want to be with someone who can't give him what he wants (or at least this is what Dan thinks).


Dan has been in a relationships with a girl for three years and all this time he thought there's something wrong with him, because he has never wanted to have sex. Like, at all. He _did _have sex though, a lot, but only when his girlfriend asked him for it. Dan was never the one who initiated any sexual activity, but he'd never said no to his girlfriend because he thought sex was a necessary part of proper relationships, like some kind of ritual involving two people being in love and rubbing their genitals on each other. Dan couldn't say he'd never enjoyed sex - he did - but he thought he could perfectly live without it as well. He had spent a lot of time questioning his sexuality - what if he didn't want to have sex just because he was supposed to do it with a girl? But eventually he had come to conclusion that it had nothing to do with his orientation (though he was hella sure he was bi to that moment); he was just sick or broken. And when his girlfriend told him that she doesn't want to be with him anymore, Dan was slightly happy about it because he was getting annoyed by her insisting to have sex more and more often.

So, there he was, seventeen year old Dan Howell, dumped by his girlfriend, with almost no hope for the perfect relationships (by saying perfect he meant pure romance or even just platonic a-little-more-than-friendship), having nothing but a shitty job at the local supermarket and barely any plans for the future.

He spent most of the time at home, sitting with his laptop listening to the music or browsing YouTube. He had found that website a while ago and spent hours and hours watching videos since then. He liked to watch vloggers - boys and girls who talked with their cameras and sharing their lives with strangers. Dan was jealous of their confidence; even though he had a camera too, he thought he'd never find a courage to film anything and upload it to the public view.

He loved to discover new youtubers by clicking to unfamiliar usernames, and one day he had watched some videos by a boy called Amazing Phil. That boy had piercing blue eyes, jet black hair and smile shining like a morning sun. Dan was hypnotized by him and he felt in love instantly. Or at least he thought so by the way his heart sped up every time Dan clicked on another video. After watching every single video on Phil's channel Dan has found Phil's social networks accounts and he found out that their taste in music, movies and TV was pretty much similar, which made Dan happy.

Next months Dan spent trying to get Phil's attention. He commented every single one of Phil's videos, he replied on everything Phil has tweeted, and one day Phil DM'ed him: "_Hey, it seems we have a lot of common, wanna skype or something?_" No words can describe the happiness Dan has felt at the moment he opened the message. He typed his skype name with shaking hands, and when Phil called him, Dan had to punch himself to make sure this all was happening for real.

In no time Dan and Phil became good friends and even more - after hours of skype calls and thousands of emails and texts they discovered some feelings towards each other which weren't so "friendly", but more like romantic. And the more Dan talked to Phil, the more he realized he wanted to see this gorgeous boy with his own eyes, touch him, cuddle with him while watching cheesy romantic movies. He found a new job and managed to save enough money to buy a ticket to Manchester. Of course, he asked Phil first if he can visit him for a day or two, and Phil was extremely happy about it. They discussed everything and after some hours of planning Dan was going to come to Manchester in the middle of October and stay at the Phil's house for a weekend (once Dan had said something about a hotel or a hostel where he could stay Phil interrupted him and said that there is no way Dan would spend nights anywhere but in Phil's house). Dan bought the tickets next day after their conversation and pinned them to the wall to look at them sometimes and smile.

Time has passed quickly and October - and The Meeting Day - came in a blink of an eye. Dan was nervous as hell in a train; he has checked his fringe for like a billion times, and he has eaten a whole pack of Mentos trying to hide the fact that he had smoked three Marlboro's in a row at the Reading station trying to calm himself down. When he's stepped to the concrete ground of the Manchester Piccadilly Station, he felt like his whole body was made of jelly, he was scared to see Phil in the flesh, but at the very moment Dan was finally in the tight Phil's embrace, he relaxed because it all felt _right_. It was strange - to actually hug Phil, realize that he's all so real, it was a bit awkward, but at the same time it was oddly right.

They have spent together the whole day; Phil was happy to show Dan his favourite places in Manchester. They walked around the city, took a picture - the first picture of them together - at the Apple store, and when the sun was about to set down, Phil took Dan to the big wheel, where they shared their first kiss. It was Dan who did this; they were at the top of the wheel and then, all of a sudden, Dan leaned to Phil and placed a kiss, the light and innocent one, on the older boy's lips. It was quick, and Dan could barely feel the warmness of the Phil's dry and slightly chapped lips, but the next second Phil kissed Dan back. After the kiss they smiled to each other and everything seemed perfect, but Dan was secretly scared of what could come next. Not that he was scared of the idea of a possibility to have sex with Phil, though he hoped Phil wouldn't insist to this on their first night together.

It was almost midnight when they came back to the Phil's house. They hurried to his room since the house was empty and they, despite being two grown-up guys, were scared to be anywhere but warm and cozy Phi's room. There was a spare room where Dan could stay but Phil couldn't even think about asking the brunette to move there, and Dan also didn't seem to be uncomfortable about sleeping in Phil's room, so it wasn't even an option. After a while they were laying on the Phil's bed, face to face, hugging their pillows, with their legs entwined. They both didn't say a word, just stared into each other's eyes and smiled. Phil reached his hand to touch Dan's cheek and stroked it gently. Dan shifted closer, decreasing the distance between them to a bare minimum. Phil moved his head to touch Dan's nose with his. Dan remembered how Phil told him he'd never liked his huge crooked nose, but Dan liked its unusual shape, and he rubbed his nose on Phil's, making some kind of an eskimo kiss. Phil smiled and kissed Dan properly. His lips were soft and tasted like chocolate they've eaten earlier.

It started with gentle kisses, but in no time they started making out. Their lips moved together in a sync and their lips danced waltz in each other's mouths. Eventually they pulled just a little and looked into each other's eyes again.

"Do you really want to… you know?.." - Phil asked a bit shyly.

Dan gulped and slowly nodded. Actually, he didn't want to lose this kind of virginity, he was perfectly okay now, just lying close to Phil and kissing him, but he needed to check how he would feel having sex with a man, because this will show him, if he is really gay or he is broken or sick.

"Yes, I want you, Phil," - he said with dry mouth.

And then it happened. Phil was nice and gentle ince he knew it was Dan's first time bottoming, and Dan tried his best to relax and enjoy. Well, he really enjoyed it but not as fully as he expected.

When they finished, Phil asked Dan with a genuine concern in his voice: "Are you okay? Was it fine? Was _I_ fine?, and Dan smiled tiredly before saying: "It was great. And you were just perfect".

They fell asleep spooning (with Dan being a little spoon and Phil hugging him protectively), and hey seemed to be a perfectly happy couple.

Next day they spent at home, leaving Phil's room only to use a bathroom or open the door to the delivery boy from the local pizzeria. Phil's got a brilliant idea to make a video together. Dan was still a novice on YouTube so he happily agreed because this was a great opportunity to promote himself and probably gain some subscribers. Phil asked his fans to ask some questions and after a while they had enough for a video.

When the last question was answered, Phil jumped on Dan and pinned him to the floor. Dan squeaked and they both burst into laughter. After a while, when they managed to calm themselves down, Dan looked at Phil and said: "This was the most fun I've ever had". "Indeed", - Phil agreed.

Phil turned the camera off, they both cleaned up their faces and then they realized that it was already past midnight. They laid on the bed like the night before, cuddling and kissing, and at one point Phil's hand was on the Dan's crotch.

"Phil, stop, please," - he said, pushing back a little.

Phil stopped and looked at the brunette. "What's wrong, love?"

"I just… I can't..." - mumbled Dan.

"Did I hurt you last night? Or am I just not good enough for you?" - said Phil in a quiet voice.

"No, you didn't. And you are perfect. It's just me. I'm broken."

"What do you mean?" - asked Phil.

"Well, I think I'm…" - Dan sighed and continued, - "I'm asexual."

"But last night…"

"It was just an experiment. I used to think I was bi, as I had fancied both boys and girls, but I wasn't so happy having sex with my ex-girlfriend, so I thought I might be 100% gay and enjoy sex with a man. But apparently I'm not gay and even though I love you and I really want to be with you, I don't think sex is my thing." - Dan blushed and looked away. - " I'm sorry, Phil. I can't pleasure you in this way. We can have sex, if you'd really want to, it won't be so unpleasurable for me, it's just different from you. I'm really sorry, Phil."

Dan expected Phil to laugh on him, or pity him, or force him to have sex because Dan had said it doesn't feel like a torture for him. But instead Phil just hugged him really tight and whispered into Dan's ear: "You have no idea how happy I am with your confession. And you are not broken, you are perfectly normal."

"I'm not," - Dan whispered, trying not to cry.

"You are" - said Phil. - "This only proves the fact we were meant to be together".

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I am just like you. I'm generally asexual but I'm also able to have sex and even enjoy it. But even then I'd prefer something less intimate, because all this sex thing doesn't feel right for me."

"Oh," - Dan stared at Phil, surprised. - "So, the last night… Why did you…?"

"Well, we like each other, it's a fact. I'd even say, we _love _each other, right?" - Dan nodded. - "And you are a teenager and teens are supposed to be horny all the time. So, since I don't find sex something disgusting, I decided to give you what I thought you wanted."

Dan laughed. "We are such giant idiots."

"Oh yes, we are," - Phil agreed with a smile.

"So, no sex for tonight and probably forever?"

"Sounds good."

Dan nodded. - "I'm all up to cuddles, though."

"Alright. What about kisses?"

"Kisses are great. Holding hands?"

"Perfect. Spooning?"

"Yes please," - Dan moved closer to Phil. - "Let's do it now. Can I be the little spoon?"

"As you wish, darling."

They fell asleep, holding each other, perfectly happy and not worrying about their sexualities anymore. And this was a beginning of the best and one of the most pure and romantic relationships ever.


End file.
